When does it stop hurting?
Each memory, so sharp and vivid is like opening a fresh wound; tearing my flesh with nails of steel as sobs wrack my body, escaping my lips with such force i cant catch my breath. Sometimes I don't even want to breathe. As if holding my breath would somehow stop the pain, but at the same time never let it escape so that nothing of you is taken from me ever again.
I cant sleep again. I cant tell if it is the steadily blinking light on my sleepy lap top or the disparaging thoughts racing around my brain.
Or you. Who am I kidding, it's always you.
Tonight I remember the hospital. Specifically when they wheeled you to surgery. I was so scared but I couldn't show it because I knew you were too and I wanted so badly to be strong for both of us. You looked up at me from the hospital bed, right before they were going to take you to the OR and put you out for surgery. Your eyes were pleading, for what exactly i didnt know. You asked me for something of mine to hold on to, just in case. But you didn't realize that you had everything of mine already in your hands: my heart, my soul, my body and my mind. They were all always yours. I didn't even have a choice in the matter. I didn't want one. I didn't want a just in case.
I'll never forget that moment. I fell apart after they wheeled you away. No one saw and to this day I didn't tell anyone. I slid to the floor outside that room, sobbing, losing it in the worst way. I didn't think it could ever be worse than that.
But now it is. Because I did lose you. And it wasnt anyones fault but my own.
Je Taime,
E.
