Survival Mode.

Dear Matt,

There are so many things I would have done differently if I could.

I know that is a bullshit cliche thing to say, but cliches are used often for a reason: because at some point in your life they hold truth.  Even if that truth is awful and ugly.

I miss you.  Every day. Every second of every day.  I even stopped wanting not to miss you because it became like trying to grasp water with a closed fist. Impossible.  You know why so many people, myself included like song lyrics?  Because they hold truths that we hope to never have to realize, but when we do, we feel comforted that someone else experienced the pain before us and survived.

That is what I am doing these days.  Surviving.  I am getting pretty good at it too; people don't ask me how I am doing quite so much so I must be doing better.  Outwardly at least. The crazy thing is that in the midst of all the pain and chaos of our break up, all the other aspects of my life fell into place.  My career, my family, even my diet and exercise, which as you know was always a struggle for me.  Those things just magically got easier for me.  But what I realized is that every small victory, every piece of good news didn't mean as much without you to share it with.  Like somehow my accomplishments weren't valid until they reached your ears and made you proud of me.  Thats all I ever wanted. Was for you to be proud of me.

I miss telling you every aspect of my day and knowing every aspect of yours.  Cheering you on when something went right and being there for you when things went wrong; helping you pick up the pieces. I thought I would always be there to take care of you.  But know I just hope someone is.  And that they know that you like to watch history movies and movies about planes and that you liked your back rubbed when you don't feel good or need help falling asleep.  I hope that they appreciate that you are the best kisser in the world.  Or that you can eat more sushi than anybody I know. And I hope they are wary of competing against you in anything because you are stubborn and competitive and never give up.

Well almost never.

I have been reading a lot lately and I stumbled across one of my favorite quotes in one of my favorite books: "You are forever responsible for what you have tamed."  And I realized that I you tamed me.  Through all the bad times, all my mistakes, all my bad decisions. I came out the other side of it all a different better person.  And I realized thats all you ever made me was better.  That realization came at the greatest price of all: our relationship.  But it also means that no matter what I am forever yours.

I wish we had met at a different time.  So that all of my issues and problems would not have hurt you like they did.  You have been through more and experienced more than anyone I know and as much as I wanted to be right there with you, I was so inexperienced and naive about everything, especially my own self.

So I am sorry.  For everything.  I am sure you already know that but I will never be able to say it enough.

I love you with all of my heart, which is somehow still functioning (barely) even without you in my life.

Je' Taime,
E

Ps- I am listening to the rain as I write this.  Its not the same with out.