Such Sweet Nothing.

Dear Matt,

When does it stop hurting?

Each memory, so sharp and vivid is like opening a fresh wound; tearing my flesh with nails of steel as sobs wrack my body, escaping my lips with such force i cant catch my breath.  Sometimes I don't even want to breathe.  As if holding my breath would somehow stop the pain, but at the same time never let it escape so that nothing of you is taken from me ever again.

I cant sleep again.  I cant tell if it is the steadily blinking light on my sleepy lap top or the disparaging thoughts racing around my brain.

Or you.  Who am I kidding, it's always you.

Tonight I remember the hospital. Specifically when they wheeled you to surgery.  I was so scared but I couldn't show it because I knew you were too and I wanted so badly to be strong for both of us.  You looked up at me from the hospital bed, right before they were going to take you to the OR and put you out for surgery.  Your eyes were pleading, for what exactly i didnt know.  You asked me for something of mine to hold on to, just in case.  But you didn't realize that you had everything of mine already in your hands: my heart, my soul, my body and my mind.  They were all always yours.  I didn't even have a choice in the matter.  I didn't want one.  I didn't want a just in case.

I'll never forget that moment.  I fell apart after they wheeled you away.  No one saw and to this day I didn't tell anyone.  I slid to the floor outside that room, sobbing, losing it in the worst way.  I didn't think it could ever be worse than that.

But now it is.  Because I did lose you.  And it wasnt anyones fault but my own.

Je Taime, 

E.

Survival Mode.

Dear Matt,

There are so many things I would have done differently if I could.

I know that is a bullshit cliche thing to say, but cliches are used often for a reason: because at some point in your life they hold truth.  Even if that truth is awful and ugly.

I miss you.  Every day. Every second of every day.  I even stopped wanting not to miss you because it became like trying to grasp water with a closed fist. Impossible.  You know why so many people, myself included like song lyrics?  Because they hold truths that we hope to never have to realize, but when we do, we feel comforted that someone else experienced the pain before us and survived.

That is what I am doing these days.  Surviving.  I am getting pretty good at it too; people don't ask me how I am doing quite so much so I must be doing better.  Outwardly at least. The crazy thing is that in the midst of all the pain and chaos of our break up, all the other aspects of my life fell into place.  My career, my family, even my diet and exercise, which as you know was always a struggle for me.  Those things just magically got easier for me.  But what I realized is that every small victory, every piece of good news didn't mean as much without you to share it with.  Like somehow my accomplishments weren't valid until they reached your ears and made you proud of me.  Thats all I ever wanted. Was for you to be proud of me.

I miss telling you every aspect of my day and knowing every aspect of yours.  Cheering you on when something went right and being there for you when things went wrong; helping you pick up the pieces. I thought I would always be there to take care of you.  But know I just hope someone is.  And that they know that you like to watch history movies and movies about planes and that you liked your back rubbed when you don't feel good or need help falling asleep.  I hope that they appreciate that you are the best kisser in the world.  Or that you can eat more sushi than anybody I know. And I hope they are wary of competing against you in anything because you are stubborn and competitive and never give up.

Well almost never.

I have been reading a lot lately and I stumbled across one of my favorite quotes in one of my favorite books: "You are forever responsible for what you have tamed."  And I realized that I you tamed me.  Through all the bad times, all my mistakes, all my bad decisions. I came out the other side of it all a different better person.  And I realized thats all you ever made me was better.  That realization came at the greatest price of all: our relationship.  But it also means that no matter what I am forever yours.

I wish we had met at a different time.  So that all of my issues and problems would not have hurt you like they did.  You have been through more and experienced more than anyone I know and as much as I wanted to be right there with you, I was so inexperienced and naive about everything, especially my own self.

So I am sorry.  For everything.  I am sure you already know that but I will never be able to say it enough.

I love you with all of my heart, which is somehow still functioning (barely) even without you in my life.

Je' Taime,
E

Ps- I am listening to the rain as I write this.  Its not the same with out.

Red.

Dear Matt,

Losing him is blue like I've never known, missing him is dark grey all alone.
Forgetting him is like trying to know somebody ive never met.
But loving him is red.

Je taime,
E.

You.

Dear Matt,


I miss you.  I know you don't miss me or care that I miss you, but I want you to know that I do.  Every day. Every second of every day.  Remember when you told me that I had not known true loss yet?  When we talked about how hard it is to lose someone that is close to you and have to carry that pain and sadness around?  You were right.  I had never known loss like that.  Until now.  Without you here, it feels like something has been ripped from my possession; deep inside me.  Ripped from the roots, dragging everything I held dear to me along with it.


I know this may seem dramatic, but it is not.  It is difficult, even for me, to put into words how much being away from you hurts me.  Hence the dramatic description and word play.


All I want to do is go to the movies with you.  Hold your hand and play our thumbs up, thumbs down game throughout the credits. I want to lay in bed with you all Sunday morning or whenever we both play hooky from work and school and watch Redtails with you on repeat.  I want to sit across from you at all you can eat sushi and compete over rolls and make meaningful toasts with overflowing shots of warm saki.  I want to high five you after Stanford scores a touchdown and console you when they get scored on themselves.  I want to sit across from you while we devour one of our signature meals at one of favorite restaurants and debate sports with you.  I want to drive 15 hours to Arizona just to watch the Sharks play back to back games from seats on the glass.  I want to wrestle with you on my bed until one of us gets hurt or mad.  I want you to pick me up, because you are the ONLY person I let do that, and carry me into a room, any room. I want your amazing lips on my lips and your arms around me.


Does it hurt you the way it hurts me?  How do you stand it? I fell like I am constantly holding my breath, holding in the pain because breathing requires too much effort.

Je t'aime,
E.

Little too much.

Dear Matt,


Why can't life be like a Natasha Bedingfield song?

Sometimes it hits like car crashAnd it's too late to reverseSometimes you make me a better personSometimes you bring out the worst
Sometimes we get on like fireSometimes we're stubborn like rainJust when I think that it's over, overYou wave a white flag again
we fall out then we fall back inwe're always back where we begin
Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enoughIt's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it allI'd rather love just a little too much
Sometimes we're trapped in a circle' Til we're digging holes in the groundWe try but nothing is workingBut still I want you around
'Cause if I'm lost in the desertI know somehow you'll find meAnd if I drown in the oceanYou'll be the first to rescue me
Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enoughIt's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it allI'd rather love just a little too much

Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enough
we fall out then we fall back inwe're always back where we begin
Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enoughIt's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it allEven if it hurts just a little too much
I'd rather love just a little too much

I'm waving a white flag....can you see it?

Je t'aime,
E.

If life were a movie.

Dear Matt,


If life were a movie, then we would end up together, having resolved all our issues and differences and overcome all the obstacles in our way right before the credits roll and the screen fades to black.  Maybe I have been watching too many romantic comedy's lately (who am I kidding I absolutely have) but why can't it be like that?  Why does reality have to be so much worse?


Because then no one would want to escape reality and life and watch movies.  And if movies weren't ambiguously happy and upbeat and always ending with resolution then no one would want to watch them. Because we live that, or at least I do. Every damn day.  I should stop watching.


But i won't, because it gives me hope.  Even if thats all it ever is.

Je t'aime.
E.

Idle hands.

Dear Matt,


I have come to realize that I can only keep myself busy for so long before the sadness seeps back in.  My carefully constructed facade comes tumbling down when I so much as have a stray thought about you; when I hear a song that reminds me of you; when I see a place you and I went together.  At the end of the day, all I want is you. 


Plain and Simple.

Je t'aime,
E.