You.

Dear Matt,


I miss you.  I know you don't miss me or care that I miss you, but I want you to know that I do.  Every day. Every second of every day.  Remember when you told me that I had not known true loss yet?  When we talked about how hard it is to lose someone that is close to you and have to carry that pain and sadness around?  You were right.  I had never known loss like that.  Until now.  Without you here, it feels like something has been ripped from my possession; deep inside me.  Ripped from the roots, dragging everything I held dear to me along with it.


I know this may seem dramatic, but it is not.  It is difficult, even for me, to put into words how much being away from you hurts me.  Hence the dramatic description and word play.


All I want to do is go to the movies with you.  Hold your hand and play our thumbs up, thumbs down game throughout the credits. I want to lay in bed with you all Sunday morning or whenever we both play hooky from work and school and watch Redtails with you on repeat.  I want to sit across from you at all you can eat sushi and compete over rolls and make meaningful toasts with overflowing shots of warm saki.  I want to high five you after Stanford scores a touchdown and console you when they get scored on themselves.  I want to sit across from you while we devour one of our signature meals at one of favorite restaurants and debate sports with you.  I want to drive 15 hours to Arizona just to watch the Sharks play back to back games from seats on the glass.  I want to wrestle with you on my bed until one of us gets hurt or mad.  I want you to pick me up, because you are the ONLY person I let do that, and carry me into a room, any room. I want your amazing lips on my lips and your arms around me.


Does it hurt you the way it hurts me?  How do you stand it? I fell like I am constantly holding my breath, holding in the pain because breathing requires too much effort.

Je t'aime,
E.