You.

Dear Matt,


I miss you.  I know you don't miss me or care that I miss you, but I want you to know that I do.  Every day. Every second of every day.  Remember when you told me that I had not known true loss yet?  When we talked about how hard it is to lose someone that is close to you and have to carry that pain and sadness around?  You were right.  I had never known loss like that.  Until now.  Without you here, it feels like something has been ripped from my possession; deep inside me.  Ripped from the roots, dragging everything I held dear to me along with it.


I know this may seem dramatic, but it is not.  It is difficult, even for me, to put into words how much being away from you hurts me.  Hence the dramatic description and word play.


All I want to do is go to the movies with you.  Hold your hand and play our thumbs up, thumbs down game throughout the credits. I want to lay in bed with you all Sunday morning or whenever we both play hooky from work and school and watch Redtails with you on repeat.  I want to sit across from you at all you can eat sushi and compete over rolls and make meaningful toasts with overflowing shots of warm saki.  I want to high five you after Stanford scores a touchdown and console you when they get scored on themselves.  I want to sit across from you while we devour one of our signature meals at one of favorite restaurants and debate sports with you.  I want to drive 15 hours to Arizona just to watch the Sharks play back to back games from seats on the glass.  I want to wrestle with you on my bed until one of us gets hurt or mad.  I want you to pick me up, because you are the ONLY person I let do that, and carry me into a room, any room. I want your amazing lips on my lips and your arms around me.


Does it hurt you the way it hurts me?  How do you stand it? I fell like I am constantly holding my breath, holding in the pain because breathing requires too much effort.

Je t'aime,
E.

Little too much.

Dear Matt,


Why can't life be like a Natasha Bedingfield song?

Sometimes it hits like car crashAnd it's too late to reverseSometimes you make me a better personSometimes you bring out the worst
Sometimes we get on like fireSometimes we're stubborn like rainJust when I think that it's over, overYou wave a white flag again
we fall out then we fall back inwe're always back where we begin
Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enoughIt's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it allI'd rather love just a little too much
Sometimes we're trapped in a circle' Til we're digging holes in the groundWe try but nothing is workingBut still I want you around
'Cause if I'm lost in the desertI know somehow you'll find meAnd if I drown in the oceanYou'll be the first to rescue me
Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enoughIt's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it allI'd rather love just a little too much

Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enough
we fall out then we fall back inwe're always back where we begin
Everybody hurts just a little too muchEverybody hurts but it's never enoughIt's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it allEven if it hurts just a little too much
I'd rather love just a little too much

I'm waving a white flag....can you see it?

Je t'aime,
E.

If life were a movie.

Dear Matt,


If life were a movie, then we would end up together, having resolved all our issues and differences and overcome all the obstacles in our way right before the credits roll and the screen fades to black.  Maybe I have been watching too many romantic comedy's lately (who am I kidding I absolutely have) but why can't it be like that?  Why does reality have to be so much worse?


Because then no one would want to escape reality and life and watch movies.  And if movies weren't ambiguously happy and upbeat and always ending with resolution then no one would want to watch them. Because we live that, or at least I do. Every damn day.  I should stop watching.


But i won't, because it gives me hope.  Even if thats all it ever is.

Je t'aime.
E.

Idle hands.

Dear Matt,


I have come to realize that I can only keep myself busy for so long before the sadness seeps back in.  My carefully constructed facade comes tumbling down when I so much as have a stray thought about you; when I hear a song that reminds me of you; when I see a place you and I went together.  At the end of the day, all I want is you. 


Plain and Simple.

Je t'aime,
E.

Last Kiss.

Dear Matt,


I still remember the look on your faceBeen through the darkness at 1:58The words that you whispered for just us to knowYou told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away
I do recall now the smell of the rainFresh on the pavement, I ran off the planeThat July 9th the beat of your heartIt jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms
But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothesAll that I know is I don't knowHow to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kissNever imagined we'd end like thisYour name, forever the name on my lips
I do remember the swing of your stepThe life of the party, you're showing off againAnd I roll my eyes and then you pulled me inI'm not much for dancing but for you did
Because I loved your handshake, meeting my fatherI love how you walk with your hands in your pocketsHow you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying somethingThere's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
And I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothesAll that I know is I don't knowHow to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kissNever imagined we'd end like thisYour name, forever the name on my lips, ohh
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleepAnd I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breatheAnd I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you areHope it's nice where you are
And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful dayAnd something reminds you, you wish you had stayedWe can plan for a change in weather and timeI never planned on you changing your mind
So, I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothesAll that I know is I don't knowHow to be something you miss
I never thought we'd ever last kissNever imagined we'd end like thisYour name, forever the name on my lipsJust like our last kiss, forever the name on my lipsForever the name on my lips, just like our last

Je t'aime,
E.

Sounds of Silence.

Dear Matt,


You know what I listen for everyday now? Not the sound of birds outside my window or the lawn mower every tuesday and thursday or even the sounds of the squirrels who live in my attic.  No.  I listen for the sound of your footsteps on the stairs. The sound of your key turning in the lock.  But all there is, all there will be anymore is silence. Long moments of nothing that stretch out forever.


Simon and Garfunkel had it right.

Je t'aime,
E.

Please.

Dear Matt,


I know that you don't care that I am struggling, I know that you don't care that I'm on a very precarious precipice.  I know that you are hurt by my actions prior to the break up and that you didn't know how else to fix things.  I don't know if this is killing you as much as it is killing me, and i may never know.  But I do know that what we had was real; was amazing.  I love you more than I ever though capable of loving another person who wasn't related to me.  I cared more about your well being than my own most of the time.  I changed more thanks to your influence and help than I ever thought possible.  We brought out the very best in each other.  And yes, sometimes we brought out the worst, but that is only because we challenge each other in a way that people will never understand.  We don't just accept what is in front of us to be true, that would be too easy.  And love isn't supposed to be easy.  It is supposed to stretch us and pull us and only when we feel like breaking down and giving in do we get to see just how amazing true love is.  The fire and the passion, while it can cause bad arguments, also puts us on a level of love and adoration that most people never get to experience.  I don't want to throw that away, I can't let you. I won't let you.


" Love is the passion that we feel inside of our hearts that we can't hide. We pretend to hide it, but it burns us more and more until the pain grows and grows and it never ends."


Please.


Je t'aime,
E.

Bit by Bit.

Dear Matt,


They say every day gets a little bit easier, the farther I get from our relationship; from us.  But that is absolutely not the case.  Another lie they tell broken hearted girls to make them believe everything will be ok.  Every day I get farther away from you, the harder it gets for me to actually make it through the day.  I do not get stronger and I do not get more independent.  I am just sad and continue to be sad.  I think about all the things we should be doing and I get even more sad.  I go on Facebook to check our account even though I stubbornly deleted you and I get even more sad.


Word to the wise: Facebook is not your friend, broken hearted girls.  You think checking up on him will make you feel better, that maybe glimpsing at how miserable he is will make you feel better about your own wallowing is a myth.  He is not miserable.  He will post smiling pictures of him at baseball games, probably with some new girl he is already seeing.  And then you are launched into the throes of sadness even more.  It's not worth it so don't do it.


Also, stay away from Twitter, Instagram and any other social networking site with which you want to stalk him.  It will only make you feel worse, even though I know that feels impossible at the moment.


I bit the bullet and texted him today about an event we had planned months ago that is coming up.  Bad idea.  I thought he might remember the good things.  I thought he might want to see me.  I thought wrong.  Not only was he skeptical of my text and my intentions, he was just mean.  Lesson learned.


The one interesting thing he did mention is that I need to stop hiding behind my phone, that if I have things to say I know where he is.  Good thing he doesn't know about this blog.  The thing is I don't know how to approach him.  I want more than anything to see him, to have him hold me in his arms and miss me gently.  But I am afraid that the coldness he is showing via text will translate into physical coldness and that I don't think I could handle that.


Torn into pieces never made some much sense.

Je t'aime,
E.

Hope Springs Eternal.

Dear Matt,


I hate waking up in the morning and not having you here.  I know that would happen before, as you had work at ungodly hours (well for me anyways) but its different now.  You are not here by choice.  You no longer want to share my bed and wake up next to me for the rest of your life like we planned.


I am leaving your top two drawers open just in case.  You know, the drawers I cleaned out for you when I asked you to move in and you shot me down. Ya, those drawers. Even though I know you are gone and don't want to to come back and don't want to even talk to me, I still hold out hope.  Hope springs eternal right?  


I just wish I could talk to you, make you understand how much you mean to me and how much I know I still mean to you.  You are the reason I turned my life around; you are the reason I stopped making bad decisions and started doing things right.  You believed in me with an unfailing passion that took me by surprise, because no had cared that much before and probably no one ever will again.  You loved me so fiercely it was scary.  You knew for sure that I was the one, that there was no one else.  But how did you know?  Your certainty took me by surprise and instead of embracing it, I ran the other way, creating distance and pushing you away through various bad behavior.  I didn't realize until it was too late that I love you just as fiercely as you loved me.  And I do want the same things that you do; all of them.  But now your gone, and my confidence gone with you.  


How do I get it back?  How do I get you back?

Je t'aime,
E.

#brokenheartedproblems

Dear Matt,


See the problem with being broken up with you, is that EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Everything.  From music to movies to TV shows, even words and smells.  I guess that was something that I took for granted when we were together, but boy am I paying for that now. Pouring myself a glass of lemon flavored pellegrino water makes me think of you. Flipping through HBO channels and seeing Ides of March is on reminds me of you.  Seeing previews for upcoming movies that we were going to see if the worst though.  It makes me sad to think about the plans we made, all the things we wanted to do but won't. 


I miss the little things the most.  The way our fingers would intertwine while we were laying in bed and watching tv at night.  The way I could throw my leg over yours in a possessive yet comfortable way. I miss you head of my chest when you were sleepy enough to lay there.


i just miss you. So terribly. It hurst in every possible way and in every possible place. I wish you would just come back.

Je t'aime,
E.

All work and no play.

Dear Matt,


I just realized that the best part of working so hard and long was coming home to you.  I just worked a really long, non-stop weekend of events, culminating in a A's 4 game sweep of the awful Yankees and I came and felt let down. Walking in the door, knowing no one was here waiting for me, just an empty condo.  Its no the being alone, because you know I'm good with alone time, its the not having you here part.  I microwaved myself dinner not even bothering to get a plate. Whats the point?  I flipped on the tv to my current favorite channel, Lifetime and flopped onto my bed, where I am currently positioned and will probably not move from unless I need sustenance until tomorrow.


I also realized that although I have a very comfy queen size bed for which stretching out on you would think would be inevitable, I find myself curling up on my side.  Almost on the edge, without falling off.  out of habit.  Your side, which is how I still think of it, remains empty and cold.  Although I do still hug one of your pillows as I sleep, which still very faintly smells like you.  When that scent is finally gone, I don't know what I will do.  I guess I could go buy some of your cologne and spray it on random things in my room. Or not.


The A's swept the Yanks today in a 4 game series, but the game wasn't the same without you. The sun wasn't as warm, more scorching really and the grilled cheese just wasn't as good.  Things like baseball games just are not the sam without you.  Sigh.


Back to my depressing, murderous lifetime movie.  More later.

Je t'aime,
E.

The beginning of the end.

I'm writing to you because I doubt you will listen to what I have to say.  Not anymore anyways. Texts seem futile, phone calls are never answered. And yes I could approach you in person, but the truth is that I'm scared. Scared that when I look into your eyes, I will no longer recognize the person staring back at me.  All the love and light and laughter will be gone and I will look like every other person; every other girl.  So here it is.  The chronicle of my time spent away from you, away from us.  You ended our relationship and I didn't realize what that truly meant. Until now.  What follows are the words I wish I could say to you every day, as if I am still talking to you because I don't know any other way.


"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day."

Je t'aime,
E.